It’s More than Yoga Pants and Casseroles
I was at a family function years ago and the topic of saving/spending was being discussed. I began sharing my perspective and a family member laughingly said, “coming from the person without a job”. I stood there stunned and walked away. This comment, although rude, inappropriate, and incredibly disrespectful is a common thought among adults when it comes to the value of a stay-at-home mom. I was once venting to a close girlfriend about Andrew’s work schedule. At that time, he was leaving our home a little after 6 am and returning home around 7 pm. We had a two-year-old and a newborn. I was exhausted and just needed someone to validate my feelings of desperation; I was in survival mode and needed to get through the day. I probably shouldn’t have picked the childless career woman as my listening ear. She quickly interrupted me and said, “do you know how many women wish they could stay home…you should just be happy you’re able to do so”. I learned at that moment that I was “wrong” or a bad wife/mom if I felt any negative emotion toward motherhood.
It seems as if women, stay-at-home moms more specifically, get labeled various adjectives when they air their grievances. Ungrateful and bitter are two terms people have used with me when I’ve attempted to express my conflicting feelings about being a stay-at-home mom or the wife of a “successful” business owner. “Ungrateful” is tricky. Should women (or men) who stay home be grateful they have this job? If so, should they be more grateful than people with traditional jobs? Should we be grateful to our spouses, because they “afford” us this option? If so, should our spouses be grateful to us for staying home and thereby enabling them the opportunity to grow their careers? More on this. “Bitter” implies I somehow wish things would’ve turned out differently for my husband; a sense of jealousy or envy of a career he has that I do not. Or, perhaps it implies that I wish I was the one running a business where employees kiss my ass and colleagues are otherwise impressed with my successes, while he taxis kids around town and rarely knows if I will be home in time for dinner. Bitter implies I resent my job as a mom, which is not only offensive but infuriating. These adjectives and labels are wildly unfair.
Stay at home moms should be able to fantasize about a world they lost when they chose to stay home. Stay at home moms should be able to speak freely about the uncomfortable feelings that creep in our bodies as our kids get older and we realize our life’s work isn’t measured by promotions and titles. Stay at home moms should be able to think aloud and wonder if they want to go back to work, start a new line of work, or miss working without feeling judged or guilty for not possessing an ever-flowing amount of gratitude for the opportunity to be with our children.
I always wanted to be a mom and it was important for me to be home with them. I couldn’t fathom the idea of someone else hearing them say their first words or watching them take their first steps. I wanted to be at school, volunteer in the classroom, and be home with them when their friends came to play. I am incredibly grateful I have gotten to do this for 17 years and I would never change my decision to be home. I understand that many, many people wish they had this opportunity. I also know what Andrew and I sacrificed to make this happen. We drove old cars, lived in an apartment, and rarely went out to eat for the first few years of Madilyn’s life. We made it work because it was important to us. We later sacrificed in other ways when Andrew started his company. Our children rarely saw him in the evenings, we drained our savings (multiple times) to allow him to experiment with entrepreneurship, and for almost a decade I felt like a single parent caring for two small children on my own. Over the last 17 years, Andrew and I have sacrificed in different ways, we’ve struggled in different ways and we’ve worked tirelessly in different ways. At 40, the hardest part for me is feeling as if I sacrificed my identity and somehow lost who I am as an individual because I am only seen as someone’s mom or wife. This doesn’t feel free at all!
My Freed at 40 reflections revealed two things: 1. Perhaps it is time for me to do something aside from being a wife and mom. 2. Our world has made very little progress over the last 100 years in terms of valuing caretakers, homemakers, and those who CHOOSE to give up a career where they are valued and seen as an individual. We trade in our potential successes, promotions, titles, and achievements so we can raise little humans who will drive us absolutely bat shit crazy. We make this trade without knowing the likelihood of parental success: will our children be healthy, well-behaved, academic achievers, athletes, etc. We make this trade and work exhausting hours, without pay, without benefits, without anyone celebrating our hard work. We do this while society reminds us that our job is inferior to our spouse’s because it doesn’t come with a paycheck. We are reminded by society that our “working” spouse’s schedule is more important, more valued, and somehow more stressful than ours because we are “just stay-at-home moms”. We do all of this to create amazing humans who will have a strong and confident identity while sacrificing our identity along the way. We also do this while supporting our spouses and encouraging their career goals and aspirations. We sacrifice our sanity and often our needs, so our spouse can take an extra meeting, attend the out-of-town conference, or put in the extra hours needed for his/her success. We act as maids, chauffeurs, personal assistants, and even therapists as we get our children to each activity, practice, and play date. In short, as a stay-at-home mom, it often feels as if we are the cheerleaders or spectators on the sidelines while our spouse and children are the ones playing in the game.
My girls have all been in school for three years. I filled each year with an obscene amount of volunteer hours. I wanted to drive on every field trip, host every school social, work the lunch line and library, chair the god-awful school Gala, organize the jog-a-thon and take on roles for various non-profits. I filled my weeks with “work” that made me feel like I was checking all the boxes. I filled my months with projects that kept me busy and gave me a sense of productivity. I felt a sense of accomplishment when the Gala raised more money than ever before. I felt giddy when the jog-a-thon made three times what it had previously and I was thrilled when the non-profit I was helping raised enough money to build a home for orphaned children. Then, I felt empty. I told Andrew that I worked my ass off and said yes to everyone and everything because I wanted to be more than a stay-at-home mom. I felt an obligation to be busy ALL THE TIME! Yet, not one project, volunteer shift, or event made me feel content. The most fulfilling volunteer hours were spent on field trips and at sports practices because I was with my kids. I don’t want to spend my time raising money for galas or jog-a-thons. I don’t want to volunteer for nonprofits (even though they do amazing work) when I am not passionate about the cause. I worked tirelessly for someone else’s passion, someone else’s cause because I had yet to figure out what MY cause was. I wandered through the last three years and filled each day with endless tasks I thought would somehow make me feel purposeful, successful, and worthy. It wasn’t until I stopped and committed to my Freed at 40 reflections that I realized I was desperately searching for purpose; perhaps my job as a stay-at-home mom just wasn’t enough.
I started talking to my cousin, Cassie, about my reflections. She was on a similar soul-searching journey. We started a two-woman book club and read like maniacs, frantically listened to podcasts, and opened up about our conflicting feelings. We asked ourselves the simple question, “why the hell doesn’t anyone talk about this?”. No one talks about the emotional struggle or the incessant questioning of “should I do more or is this enough.” No one writes books about the lost identities of women EVERYWHERE. Perhaps it is because we’ve been too busy arguing about who has a more difficult job: stay-at-home moms or “working” moms. Or, perhaps it’s because we are all trying to convince ourselves that we are happy, fulfilled, and satisfied riding in the backseat of life’s vehicle. For me, it’s because I have been too worried about the judgment and shame that comes with saying I am unfilled and unsure if I can keep doing this.
Every culture has a value system. Sadly, our culture, the American Dream culture, gauges success in a very singular way: monetary gains and losses. We praise the work of billionaires and business moguls; we idolize musicians and actors; we obsess over “influencers” because we’ve placed value on Instagram likes and followers. We often aren’t focused on character, work ethic, or moral accountability. And we certainly don’t seem to value authenticity. Stay at home moms don’t fit into a desirable, praiseworthy category because it isn’t sexy, lucrative, or inspiring. No one sees the mom who woke up at 4 am to pack lunches, workout, make breakfast, get the kids to school, volunteer in the classroom, race to Target and buy a gift for this weekend’s birthday party, sneak in a shower, prep dinner in the crusty crockpot, get the kids from school, run 3 kids to 3 sports at 3 locations while 2 cry and 1 forgets their cleats…only to come home to dog poop on the floor and a text message 5 minutes before dinner that her husband “needs a little more time” at the office. This mom doesn’t dare complain about the scenario, because then she would be “ungrateful” for the nice house she has and the expensive car she drives. This mom doesn’t say, “I NEED MORE TIME” because that would be laughable and wildly unreasonable, as it is her spouse who deserves the time because his job pays the bills.
It would be foolish to ignore the importance of money as it is an obvious necessity for one or both parents to provide financially. However, the keyword is PROVIDE. Regardless of income status, stay-at-home moms are providing in a way that is equally important and just as necessary as their fiscally rewarded counterparts. And sure, we “acknowledge” these efforts with cute posts and darling memes that claim to praise this work. But do we really appreciate the WORK of stay-at-home parents? Do we, as a society…as a culture, value a position without pay, promotions, and titles? Do we tell our children that moms and dads who stay home and ensure every last detail of their world stay intact are valued, intelligent and important people? Do we convey this message in our marriages, in our families, and with our friends?
I am fortunate to be in a marriage where my role is viewed as equally important. This doesn’t mean the demands of Andrew’s job aren’t prioritized over that of mine. They are indeed! However, he is at least willing to acknowledge these inequities and work with me to provide an environment where we both feel valued. I cannot fathom how difficult it must be to balance the demands of an office job with the demands of motherhood. However, I know what it is like to work tirelessly…for free, while never vocalizing how overwhelmed, stressed, and inadequate I felt. I know what it is like to work all day, every day…providing for my children physically, mentally, and emotionally whilst being told by society that I am a “lady who lunches” or being asked by friends who work outside the home, “what do you do all day”. I once had an Uncle ask me if I got pregnant with my youngest to “avoid getting a job”. This stigma, these outdated stereotypes of women eating bon-bons and watching soap operas are maddening for the moms (and dads) who could be running companies but chose to run errands, make meals their children won’t eat, do endless loads of laundry, and try to keep the sports calendar straight. These stay-at-home parents not only have to work 14-16 hours each day, but they also have to convince the outside world that they are indeed “working”.
I’ve reflected a lot on my role as a stay-at-home mom. I’ve thought about how I see myself, how my children view me, and what my husband values about my job. My reflections spawned more than a few thought-provoking conversations. My reflections led to consistent thought work, journaling, and uncomfortable conversations. I joined a small online class for women seeking growth and allowed myself to be vulnerable with strangers. I committed to months of “research”, which came in the form of reading books and studies. I eagerly listened to podcasts hosted by men and women who inspired me to work toward a better version of myself. I am very much in the process of figuring out what is next for me…or if there will even be a next for me. Is this stay-at-home-mom gig enough? Am I looking for external validation, when perhaps what I need is internal validation?
How do I feel validated when I’ve spent 40 years observing exactly what our world deems successful? How do we unlearn the shit we were taught about the roles of men/women? The truth is, we were unintentionally taught what “work” looks like and we all learned through our conditioning that “work” comes with a paycheck. This belief is incredibly difficult to unlearn, but it is crucial to flip the narrative if we want to feel valued in whatever it is we choose to do. We must shift the imbalances of our culture’s value systems. Whether conscious or unconscious, we are teaching our children that success is measured by material wealth. We are modeling to the next generation that those who earn more money are inherently more powerful and often thought to be more intelligent.
My girls understand how valuable both of their parents’ jobs are. However, they don’t know how much I’ve sacrificed to fulfill my job description, because I chose to bury my feelings a long time ago. I am learning it is my responsibility to make them aware of these challenges, so they don’t feel alone or invalidated when they decide to stay at home or go to work. I want our home to be a cultural shift. I want them to see how hard I work to provide love and stability for each of them; I also want them to see me own my adventures and have an identity outside of being someone’s mom and wife. I want my girls to understand how difficult it is to be a woman, whether you are working in the home or out of the home. I don’t want there to be any surprises…and when the time comes, I hope they are more evolved and more self-aware so they may live authentically and be bold enough to have the difficult conversations that come with all things motherhood. I replay the times I was told by “friends” and random people in our community that I “should be grateful” to my husband because I could stay home. I replay the times I was told that I am “so lucky to not work”. These people made me doubt my worth, my contribution, and my JOB. These people controlled the narrative in my head for over a decade. It is through my reflections and work that I’ve realized being real, honest, and truly vulnerable with the people who matter most (my husband, my children, and MYSELF) is the only way to feel free with the decisions I make. I’ve given myself permission to fantasize about office jobs and look into opportunities outside of the home. I’ve also allowed myself time to sit in the pain and joy that is motherhood. I’ve discovered that my wants and my needs might change annually or even monthly, but these desires will only be recognized and acted on if I am willing to pay attention and speak my truth to those around me. It is the wanting to be better and the craving for growth that allows us to evolve in our human experience.
Perhaps, if we gave women the freedom to choose and the support thereafter then they would feel validated and more appreciated in whatever job they are doing. Judging women for working outside the home should be a thing of the past; placing women in a “less than” category for staying home should also be something our culture moves away from…quickly! My children have brought me more joy and fulfillment than any job or paycheck ever could, but the feeling of being less important and less valued than the “provider” is demoralizing and defeating. The choice to stay home is a privilege…for the parent staying home AND her partner/children who benefit from her being home each day. My three girls will be encouraged to pursue a career that makes them feel as if they are doing exactly what they are meant to be doing. This work may include children and it may not. This work may include staying home and it may not. I want to normalize choices and the possibility that these choices may change often or not at all. I owe it to myself and to my girls to continue exploring the things that make me feel as if I am doing exactly what I am meant to be doing.